What Do I want?

Anastasia Simms

I want a boy who wants me for my brain as much as my body. 

Who likes the pace at which I want to take things, 

and doesn’t pressure me to let him stick it in. 

 

I want to understand what everyone is talking about  

when they tell stories of being drunk or high. 

 I want to know why they crave it  so much, 

and why I don’t. 

 

I want to make friends who know me,  

who love me,  

who give me the benefit of the  doubt. 

These friendships take time to build,  

especially when you have trust issues.   

But I want them now, dammit!  

I want these things without having to put in any effort 

because people are exhausting. 

But they better listen to me, 

because I want them to. 

I want to not want these things as much as I do.  

 

I want to be smart enough to understand  

why I feel like I’m never smart enough to. 

 

I want to agree with my teachers,  

and the authors of my textbooks,  

and the leaders of the field into which  

I am propelling myself.  

I want to be able to see far enough into the future to know  

whether or not my propulsion needs course correction.  

I want to know that there is a place  

for me in this world, beyond the 5 foot  

4 inch space I am currently occupying.  

Which, despite my best efforts,  

still sometimes feels pointless. 

 

I want to know what the fuck I am doing. 

 

I want to know why I am always so freaking hungry  

and why I am tired even when I’ve slept enough  

and I am healthy as a horse  

because horses are apparently healthy, I guess?  

I don’t know. I’m not a horse doctor.  

And now I also want to meet a horse doctor  

mostly because I think it would be funny to meet  

someone who dedicated their entire life  

to being a horse doctor. 

 

I want my childhood back.  

 

I want to remember the name of that one song,  

that one actor, that one book,  

that one movie, that one poem,  

that one kid I was friends with in the 3rd grade. 

I want a hug. 

 

I want to clean my room,  

 maybe then I’ll feel  

like I’ve got my life together, although  

as I continue to check things off of my to do list,  

I’m starting to doubt that I’ll ever feel that way. 

 

I want that one part of “O-o-h Child”  

by The Five Stairsteps to stop  

randomly getting stuck in my head. 

 

Or maybe I just want to believe that things are gonna get easier. 

 

I don’t know what I want. 

 

I want a bowl of my mom’s soup.